dear jessica...

[Karen Cortez]

Dear Jessica,

There is a small moment in my day when I forget the truth. It’s at night when I’m sleeping and I meet you in my dreams. In four months will be your one-year and as the date gets closer and closer I find myself feeling even more emotional. I’m scared. I find it hard to still believe that you are not here for me to call, hug, laugh with, or talk to. Since you’ve been gone I’ve done lots of pretending. I’ve pretended that I’m so busy I can’t call you. I pretended that you went away on vacation for a very long time. You might think I’m silly but I even pretended that we were mad at each other and weren’t talking. It’s the only way I seem to be able to cope with this. I’ve yet to delete your email or even your number from my phone. Your profile on Facebook popped up the other day and I broke into tears. I was mad Facebook that day! There have been moments when I wanted to call you and tell you about my life, although I know you’re watching it’s still not the same. I scroll down my phone and see your name and I stare at it thinking that I might wish this reality away. It hasn’t worked.
Death is a part of life I know this. We all know this, but when it touches us so closely it’s reality leaves us scarred. You were the one person who loved me the most in this life. You knew me more than anybody else. I could tell you anything without fear of judgment. You knew exactly what to say to make me things clearer. I don’t have that person in my life anymore. It’s a sadness that will be here always. I still cry; I still lose myself in my thoughts; I’m still mad. But then I see you in my dreams; you find me when I need you the most. I see something that reminds me of you and I hear you. I see your baby Stephon and I realized that you aren’t gone. You’re here all around me. In his laughter and his eyes. You’re here in my dreams and my actions. You’re here with your mom, as she lights the candle to your altar. You’re in every melody I enjoy and in every smile I encounter. You’re here in the love of those around me. And that’s what keeps me going everyday, because I hear you and see you…and although I would do anything to rewind time and pick up the phone and hear you voice over the line…I am learning to cope the best way I can. You left me a gift with your baby boy and I am thankful for that. I miss you jess…and those words can’t fully describe the immensity of your loss. But heaven gained a beautiful angel. I’ll see you when I get there.

Love,
Me

[AkashicWreckage]

Karen,
I would like you to know that my heart is with you during this time. You do know that your friend IS with you---a whisper away.
May peace fill your heart.
Blessings,
AW