My Mother Is Insane

[Tes.]

This is a heartbreaking admission. One she would die-a-thousand-deaths to learn I have broadcast across the internet... But how to heal what is kept hidden?

My mother is beautiful. Fragile, elegant, fine. She is also delusional, paranoid and impossibly irrational.

I have tried, my entire life, to please and protect her. She has tormented me endlessly with her endless (yes, I know, twice in one sentence) grief, accusation, guilt and blame. I have tried, in vain, to "make up" for all the suffering and losses she endured at the hands of the Nazis during World War II. Now, in her late eighties, her mistrust and illogic have become unbearable to engage with.

Ironically, she is too sharp-witted to be declared incompetent. I have checked with numerous elder-care professionals, and they assure me that, though it is obvious she is making poor and dangerous choices for herself, no psychiatrist or judge would take her rights away, though clearly she is a danger to herself.

The tragedy is that she reaches out for me - believing I am the only one who can help her... Then, in boy-who-cried-wolf fashion, denies me when I come... It is indeed like attempting to hug a porcupine... She is a prickly minefield of unfounded angst and drama... there is no peace, no pleasure in her deeply unhappy company.

The question is, how do I live with myself? I am in a lose-lose situation. When I pick up my life, come three-thousand miles to attempt to wrest her from her hell, she fights me, and I drown in the abyss of her misery. When I stay away, I am wracked with guilt for abandoning a confused and frightened elder in decline... It is a Rubic's Cube of untenable circumstances.

The saddest thing is that I adore her. I would do anything to provide her with happy final memories of this world. Coming to terms with my inability to do so, letting go of my long-held ego identification of "good daughter" is devastating for me. Allowing her to die, bitter, heartbroken, alone - as seems to be the direction this depressing tale is heading - is a tough pill to swallow.

I realized, only recently, that I have essentially been a "battered woman" my entire life. I am traumatized by her grief and frustration. Had she not been a Holocaust-survivor, it is likely that I (and my equally battered brother) would have had nothing to do with her... But compassion, and so forgiveness, have kept us turning the other cheek, again and again and again...

For all our sakes, I admit, I am now at a point of wishing her a rapid passing. I want out of this karmic contract, that I have yet to understand why I chose. If I cannot bring her to peace, as I have dreamed of since childhood, then only God can.

Why are we given such tests?

[Tes.]

:.) !!

 

[giovanna marino]

 

I woke up in the meedle of the night....

Gotta-message for you:

S M I L E  !

this is all you got to do,

This is the very point >>> SMILE TO YOU!

Again! Smile again! hee! hee! hee!

buu-u-u-u-u-u-u-t if you want to read more click here....

Keep on exercising: get your webcam and smile to you and take a lot of photos.

Then throw away the bad ones and keep the very smiling ones.

I wanna see your smiles! :o)

 

here and now, that's all we have. Do not waste it!

 

[Tes.]

I agree with you Gio!  The hate in my heart is a true shock... I am a peace ambassador, mediator, minister... If I can still feel this depth of contempt, with all the work I've done on myself, what can we expect from the "average" human who never even examines their feelings?? I marvel at the roles my mother and I have chosen... How can we keep dreaming of peace in the world when we cannot even achieve it within our own families?  I ran a world peace incubator-community for 5 years.  We were all lightworkers - transpersonal gestalt therapists, rebirthers, primal release facilitators, expressive artists... The amount of processing was unreal.  At the end of our experiment, we still had not achieved a lasting resonant harmony among us... Very depressing & disappointing.  I came away from that experience feeling that love is not enough... shared values are imperative for true cohesive collaboration and co-habitation.  This is a challenge to come to terms with in the nuclear family - where we are so Hallmark-hypnotized to cling to one another...  I do not know if I can find the inner strength to fully separate from my mother in life... but each day, I am noticing that I am creating new boundaries - and I can say with absolute certainty that I will never again allow another to come before me in this way.  Much appreciation again for your beautiful contribution to the evolution of my soul. xoxo...

[giovanna marino]

 

Tes, many of us have been taught that it is right to soffer for "Love" because this purify our soul...

aaaaaaaaaas Jesus has purified the World through his death.

So the assumpt should be "the more we love, the more we suffer, the more we are blessed".

I think this is totally crazy!

Love is wonderful, divine, embracing, saving, healing, counseling.....

You must soon stop hating, this is what is really breaking your heart.

You must quickly learn to love yourself and heal your wounds.

If this means to say good-bye, well, do it.

Love is a feeling that I have inside my soul. I can share it with others only if they want it.

I can't impose my love and in the same time I can't expect something in return.

Again sharing love doesn't mean sacrifing yourself.

Love is communication, growing, evolution, trusting, consciousness, opportunity, responsibility.

I don't think that going to those groups will be any worth because you are going to talk again and again and again about the same old things.

Just begin to live your life, not hers.  Stop feeding yourself with crumbles of love.

 

Now,  look at you in a mirror, smile, stroke your cheek.

Jesus said "love as you would love yourself".

If you don't love yourself, how can you love others?

Stop worrying. Smile and start a new life!

 

Come on, smile! :0)

There, this is your first step.

Smile again!

yes!

Ahhhh!!! See?? it is so easy and peace is already filling your heart!

 

Now do it again!

 

[Tes.]

Thank you Marc, Gio... Yes, we are co-dependent, no offense taken.  It is I who must break the chain of pain & cut the umbilical cord, as she is incapable.  She has been a self-sacrificing martyr her whole life, holding that trait as a virtue, and raising me to be the same.  Now, at this late stage, when she truly needs care, my capacity is full and I can no longer play this role.  You ask my true feelings, Gio... at this point I am filled with horrible feelings of resentment, hatred, rage.  My heart is broken at the difficulty of fulfilling the role I had been preparing for since childhood.  I am aware of Coda, appreciate the suggestion, and will check into it when I return home to San Diego.  There is a similar group, called Second Generation, that deals specifically with children of Holocaust survivors.  I had participated in their meetings up until about twenty years ago, when I assumed I was more healed than I find now that I am, and really no longer wished to be rehashing the past.  Perhaps it is time for me to return... like the layers of an onion, I have reached a new plateau of pain which must be dealt with.  Underneath all the mortal labels of relationship we have, I believe our one true relationship across the board is that of allies in one another's evolution.  It often occurs to me that my role in my mother's life may be to let go of attachment to family members and learn to receive love from so-called "strangers" - something she resists fiercely.  Rather than the expected "til-death-do-us-part" commitment that it seems Jews, in particular, traditionally cultivate - even with their children - perhaps I must find the courage to say goodbye to her in life - for I have been held hostage by the threat of her pending demise for probably twenty years.  I must learn to love myself enough to stop sacrificing myself for anyone - including a pitiable character who always plays the Holocaust card to engender sympathy and trump everyone else's challenges.

[Marc]

Tes,

I am so sorry to read of your pain. There are some clear signs of co-dependent behavior here. this is not to criticize, it is to make your healing something real and attainable. A good beginning for you would be to look around your local area for what is called Coda meetings. They will often be held in places that also hold meetings for AA or other church groups. You may find the support you need there that will give you the balance you need in your own personal life to continue to be of service to your ma. Please be patient with yourself and plan to take some time to learn new ideas. Remember you have spent a lifetime in this situation, so it may take some time to acquire the skills to break the chain of pain. You do not have to stop being a source of love for your ma, that is not the goal. The goal is to harmonize your inner life so that you can avoid falling out of balance with your own needs and life. Good luck, and remember you are not alone in this many people have been where you are. 

[giovanna marino]

I think somehow, in different manner, we are asked to face some issues.

Maybe it is now up to you to re-think about your relation with your ma'.

Love, sorrow, mercy, pity... what are your real feelings?

Get the view from another point.

For instance, if you look at a city from the top of a hill you sure find what you couln'd see

being inside a small lane.

If she survived the Holocaust, she will survive the time you take for yourself to relax.

gio'