My husband Ray was alcoholic. Most of the time during our 13 years together he was recovering, but there were a few memorable relapses. Then there were the couple of years my son John lived with us. He was not only alcoholic, but also manic/depressive, paranoid schiz, bi-polar, mentally ill. As a youngster, he was always incredibly intelligent and musically gifted. I miss that being very much. At this stage of the game he’s practically unrecognizable as the little boy I knew and loved. It seems like some other being has taken over. I don’t feel any sense of caring like a son should feel for his mother. And, for my part, I find it difficult to feel any sense of love for this person who seems to feel no sense of wanting to contribute something to justify his entitlement to be here. He has so much to offer and keeps it all to himself. He has even healed me of physical conditions on a couple of occasions. He’s an amazing keyboard artist. Yet he does nothing. And I feel very frustrated and like I have failed because I couldn’t motivate him. That nothing that I tried to tell him could make a difference. That whatever suggestions I made fell on deaf ears. This is one of my greatest sorrows in life. Because I know what John is capable of. I know he has great gifts that could be given to the world. He feels like a victim and I see how he creates this experience time and time again. I can’t relate to that attitude because mine is always the opposite. I feel so blest, so things always turn out for me. He has seen me demonstrate it many times and yet he chooses the opposite for himself. I have anger associated with his choice to participate the way he is. I choose to remind myself that it’s his life and his choice, but it’s very hard for a mother to watch her child choose this. I have always felt (and still do) that my assignment with John is to know that the same thing that is possible for you and me is also possible for him. I believe that infinite possibility exists in every Holy Instant, and that anyone can access it. We can open up to a whole new reality. Our life is created by us moment by moment. Each moment is an opportunity to create the life you love. If you give yourself permission to be led by your spirit, you will know the next step for you. Stay open to each Holy Instant and watch your reality change. Transformation can occur in the blink of an eye when you allow it to. John can choose again. He can know that he is not a victim, claim his inheritance as a child of God, acknowledge his oneness with God/All That Is, accept God’s grace, willingly participate in life wherever he finds himself, share his gifts. What else are we here for?
4/28/09 Joy Hart