~~The End?~~

[AkashicWreckage]

I received an email recently, asking me how I healed myself of cancer.
Hunh? Who me? Healed of cancer?

At first, I began to write something along the lines of:
"I don't know if I healed myself of cancer. It could come back.
I didn't do anything except some surgery, a little more surgery, chemo and then radiation.
And, I could still get more of the Big C, who knows?"

Then, another part of me was going to launch into all of the inner work.

"Well, first A Course in Miracles fell off a book shelf.
Followed by a VERY strange incident involving Caroline Myss' Sacred Contracts.
And, then I thought it might be fun to do a bunch of past life regressions, followed by 13 Shamanic Journeys---
During those journeys, I retrieved my soul, and found several lost or stolen Power Animals.
Then, I Reikied the crap out of the cancer and threw in a pinch of Hail Mary's, numerous Our Father's---
And for the pièce de résistance---I embarked upon months of Novenas to St. Jude, patron saint of Hopeless Cases and Things Despaired Of."

Yep, who knows, maybe that was the magic formula?
Did Little Ole Me find The Cure?
Or, did I Make the Cancer?

The day was February 1st, 2001---my boys' 12th birthday. I was minding my own business, not bothering anyone. I was taking a shower and felt a lump in my breast.
Immediately, I knew.
I had always done breast self exams, almost daily, and the lump hadn't been there the day before.
But there was a distinct lump.
The only way to describe the moment would be to say that it felt as if time stood still. Inside my head, there was this knowingness, while my fingers continued to double check.
Another part of my mind was screaming in panic, "You're----- gonna----- die!"

I immediately called my doctor and set up an appointment.

As I went through various medical appointments, I absolutely knew it was cancer, that I would have to go through chemo and that I might die.
In fact, frequently, in my mind, I would see this brick wall.
On the wall, was a handwritten little sign that simply read, "The End."

The day of surgery came up, and while being prepped, and while they attempted numerous times to find a worthwhile vein in my left arm (they couldn't use the one and only good vein in my right arm in case they needed to do a mastectomy), well---while a couple of nurses took turns poking around my left arm---I made a bet with my then husband.

If it was cancer, he had to buy me whatever I wanted for dinner.
If it wasn't cancer, he still had to buy me whatever I wanted for dinner.

And, of course, I won the bet.

I have to say that the chemo wasn't hard to get through.
I would get just a little bit nauseous, usually when I went for shots over the weekend following each treatment.
No one else could smell the chemo odor when I would walk into the office, but I could.
That smell, each Saturday and Sunday following the Thursday treatment, every 3 weeks, were the hardest!

My tongue got weird also, things tasted strange---so I lived on bagels, cream cheese, grilled cheese for about a week, and then I'd break loose and have my new favorite Mexican food.
Everyone told me to stay away from my favorite Mexican food because if I got sick, I'd never like it again.
So, I picked something out from the menu that I'd never had before and that was my special treat.
It's still my favorite.

My eyes got all strange too---they would tear up terribly and it would be hard to clear my vision, and the light bothered them also.
So, by about halfway through the treatment, that was really the hardest side effect to endure.
There were times that despite being wide awake, I'd have to lay down with my eyes closed, and, also keep the blinds closed.
I hated that---blinds closed---shutting out the light.
I also kept the blinds closed because there were little kids in the neighborhood who would play out back and out front.
In the house, I liked to walk around au naturelle---wigless, scarf-less and turban-less.
I didn't want to scare the kids with my Bold, Bald & Beautiful head, so the blinds were closed a lot.

One day, sick and tired of keeping the blinds closed, I decided to open them a bit.
The sun began to stream in, and there on the window, right above the couch there in the family room, was an Angel Suncatcher.
It was right there---on the window, sort of above where my body would be when I'd be stretched out on that couch.

I was stunned. My brother had sent me that as a little gift, when I first was told that I had cancer.
I had put it on the window and had forgotten about it, until that day.

As I looked at the Angel, with dark brown hair like the way my old hair used to be, I knew.
I knew there was something VERY important that I HAD to get, or this little side trip to the Land of Cancer, would be for naught.
And, I tucked that away for future thought.

I had prayed, when I first found The Lump:
"Dear God, please just let me live to make it through the boys' middle school and high school years.
Let me just live, TO BE THERE for them, please.
It's only 6.5 years, God, in case you don't know, so please---just give me this."

I knew that I had to teach them important things---I still hadn't finished teaching them how to do laundry, or ironing.
I wanted time to help them to understand when to use Lemon Pledge and when Windex would be fine to use.

I also knew that there were important insights I was to share with them---
One of which we had been working on prior to the diagnosis---and that was about their POWER.
From when they were little, and when kids tease as so many do---
I would be there to counsel them---help them---
To not give away their power, to hold it for themselves---not to hand it over on a silver platter, to others.
To own their power, to command their own power---
To wisely use their power---
I still needed to be around to help them with this thing called power.

In the year--- post cancer treatment, I was in a fog.
I remember very little of that year. It was a year of recovery from the chemo, the radiation etc.
I have little recollection of thoughts I might have had, or experiences.

Once I took myself off of the maintenance medication I was on, suddenly---within a few months of stopping that medication, pain I had been experiencing as one of the side effects, ceased.
Weight that I had gained (which had rarely been an issue for me previously to that), dropped off without me even realizing it.
And---my brain cleared---I began to think again.
And, I began to FEEL again.

I began to think back to what was going on right before I found The Lump.
I was sinking then, I was trying to hold onto my voice and my will.
The marriage was suffering the beginnings of the end---
And, being the till death do us part kinda gal, and that old Libra partnership stuff---I pushed down the feelings I was feeling.
I pushed them deep within my heart.
I had compromised, for many, many years, my feelings---the love that I wanted to express, the happiness I wanted to feel.
I had bartered away my beliefs, my thoughts, and my power to be who I wanted to be.
No wonder it all came to a head in breast cancer.

One day, two years after the chemo had ended, still knowing that the brick wall was there for me---
You know, the one with The End sign clearly visible----
I was home cleaning.
I felt miserably unhappy and was once again wondering if it should all just end?
I asked God to please help me find the strength to continue, for my boys, for my SELF.

And---a weird thought began to take shape and form in my head...
What if that brick wall wasn't really there?
What if that The End sign, meant something else?

The following Sunday, it was a few days before my birthday. I was in bed praying and I had this random thought.
I asked the Angels for a sign. Not just any old sign, but an unmistakable sign.
I asked for the sign to come to me on my birthday, which that year was going to be on a Wednesday.
I asked Arch-Angel Raphael to help bring that sign to me.
Then I fell asleep.

The next two days passed and it was Wednesday.
I decided to surprise my boys and pick them up from school, which was a good half hour away by car.
If they took the bus, it would have taken 90 minutes.
As I was driving there, I did the usual thing I did in the car---I was praying.
In the car, was my time to pray and focus.
Living in South Florida with the crazy old drivers here---praying is always a good thing.

So, as I was driving along, finishing up my prayers, I suddenly remembered what I had asked for on Sunday.
A sign.
I reminded the angels that they only had a few more hours to do this for me.
I told them, "Look---you all know that I go to bed early---it's almost 3 PM now and I'm going to be picking the boys up, going home and making dinner.
Then I'll be cleaning up, and hitting the hay. You do KNOW that I have to get up at 5 AM! If you're gonna give me that sign, hurry up!"

With that, and with a mind of its own, my right hand reached out and put on the radio.
I never listened to the radio because I was always busy either talking with my boys---or praying.
I had no clue what station was where on the dial, but my fingers were pushing buttons to find a station that God only knew they were looking for!
My mind was like---"What the heck is going on here?"

And, the fingers continued. This went on for at least a few minutes.
Then, it stopped and I heard these words being sung:

"I can't believe I've been touched by an Angel with Love.
Let the rain come down and wash away my tears
Let if fill my soul and drown my fears
Let if shatter the walls for a new sun
A new day has come."

I had never heard that song before, and the words kept coming and then tears began to just blast from my eyes.

As I'm driving and crying---and crying---
I realized that this was the unmistakable sign that I had asked for---

From that point on, it was as if a hand were guiding me.

I've gotten away from the point that I was originally going to write about, and now time has run out.

I must get ready for work and will most likely continue to think about---
How I healed myself from cancer?
Have I actually done that?

[AkashicWreckage]

Good morning, Dawn May!
Well, I hate to disappoint you, or maybe it will thrill you~~~I, too---ta---da, am a Libra. Bailey's other mother, is the Gemini! I have 2 Aquarius sons, and there has really only been one other Gemini that I've known who drove me absolutely freakin' crazy---a co-worker. Very hard for him to focus and truly stay on task---when it came to HIS life. I work with another Gemini, who I truly love and enjoy---she is an amazing communicator.
Bailey's Gemini mother is difficult, I don't think she quite knows what to make of me, and I can't look her in the eyes because she really does have lavender eyebrows!
7 children? A Libra number! Pisces daughter---LOL---I've had some issues with Pisces females in my life. I have 5 brothers---3 of them are Cancers and my mom is a Cancer. Interesting lessons there. Virgos, I enjoy---in limited doses!
Let's see how many other signs I can tick off with my response here! ;-)
My mother-in-law (who she will always be despite divorce) is a Leo. We never, ever saw eye to eye on anything and I know that I deliberately chose things to say to her that would get her ire up. She was always butting in, inserting herself in my life, and I realize now that she was an important part of helping me to grow up. But, there was an energy there between us---she had a zest for life, and she engaged life. She was an eternal optimist. I haven't seen her in probably a bit over a year, she's in the stages of advanced Altzheimers. Towards the end of the marriage, I knew she was sinking fast---and I miss her matriarchal madness.

I would love to be your friend, Dawn May, it is an honor!
Will email this to you as well,
Your Soul Sister,
Me

[Dawn May Adams]

Dear AK: I was going to read all of your blogs before I made a comment, but, I just have to stop here and tell you what a remarkable woman you are. The tears are falling as I write this, not because you had cancer, but because of your courage and your spirit. Know how I know that you're a remarkable woman? Because I too am a survivor--not of cancer, although I did have a small skin cancer that I had to have removed, but of 81 years of ups and downs, etc. I read your wonderful blogs and I laugh and say, "This is my 'soul sister', she is me. It's funny, you are a Gemini, and I am a LIbra. I have two Gemini daughters whom I love dearly--but, we are constantly butting heads. What is that about? They are both so talented, and gifted. One is an author of two novels, and is turning one of them into a screenplay as we speak. The other has a business on-line called "Bon Scrapetit", she does absolutely fabulous album pages for scrapcrafters. They are not my only kids, I have two other daughters and three sons. They are all wonderful children, but they are not Geminis--one daughter is a Pisces, and the other is Cancer. Two of the boys are Virgo, and the other is Leo. I love them all as a mother should, but sometimes--like Bailey--they are little shi(f)ts. LOL I am a writer too. I am working on three books (not all at the same time--smile). One is a historical novel that I've been working on FOREVER, one is MY life story, and one is for my Faith (which is Baha'i). I write poetry also, and have published one of my pieces of prose, called, "The Colors of My World." I have a sister who lives in Florida, and one of my daughters lives in Georgia. The rest of us live out here in "Good ol' Cali-for-nigh-ay." I live in a town about an hours drive from, "Crazyville" better known as Los Angeles, CA. I feel like I have met an old friend, so I hope that you will let me be your new friend, My mantra was LOVE IS THE ANSWER before I ever knew about AOAND. With love and peace, your new friend--I hope, Dawn May Adams