during my pregnancy, I had planned where to deliver my child. I wanted to give birth outside somewhere in nature. some friends had offered some & their places but I decided to have the birthing ritual at the back yard of the father's of my child where seemed pretty much in wilderness and still convenient ... I was creating the place with a canopy with beautiful sheer fabrics and saris, wind chimes and candles, etc, and was supposed to be water birth ... and the father was building a sweet pond next to the birthing place ... where I could hear the gentle little water fountain ...
I was 39 almost 40 in fact and it was my first and obviously would be the last experience. my friends and family were worried and concerned, and had told me to have a labor at a hospital. but I just felt it wouldn't be fair for this child who chose me whose mother-to-be had so many issues and old and unmarried, who should not be a perfect woman to be anyone's mother ... but ... this child chose me ..., I felt honored so much that I wanted to welcome the child in my own special way.
I was feeling sure that the child would be coming out on July 7th although a doctor had told me the due would be on 2nd. I had gone to see a regular Obstetrician in the first few months before I was able to find the right midwives for my child.
of course as it was my first experience and my family live in a different country so they could not do anything but worried and concerned. however, I was very fortunate that there were some people who were so helpful and supportive through my whole pregnancy, and I was able to meet the right midwives, Laureen and Laura.
besides creating the birthing place, I was also preparing my house for the child. there was my oldest friend, Tony, who had supported me from the beginning of my pregnancy. I was working so hard preparing the both places for the birthing and welcoming for the child non-stop. one of those days when Tony was staying at my place to help for a couple of weeks, he told me he began to see something floating in my place at night. I do not like ghosts so I got very scared. he said it was not ghosts. he was not sure what they were but was sure they were not dark spirits. he began to see "them" every night. "they" finally showed their figures to Tony and warned him to tell me to stop whatever I was doing. they were two of the guarding angels of the child. I was doing way too much that I must go slow. they felt the danger of miscarriage so that they HAD to come out of their space to stop me no matter how.
I was not able to see them or connect with them although they even assisted me through Tony. but I remember I had a beautiful experience one night when I just found out about my pregnancy. at that time I was not sure if the child was strong enough to be able to go through the whole months and to come out by his own strength due to the reality of my age of becoming 40 soon. one night about a few weeks later after I found my pregnancy, I saw rainbow colors on a ceiling in my room in a dark. they were like very sheer fabric like individuals floating and dancing right above my belly ... as if a farewell greeting or ritual to their spirit friend in my tummy. it didn't last long ... maybe a few minutes. but that assured me that I became confident about the child's birth, "he will come out." ... because of the memory, I wanted to use the sheer fabric surrounding the birthing place @ the child's father's back yard.
on July 6th, it was around 5 or 6 am in a morning, my belly started hurting with stinging pains. so a couple of hours later in the morning I called Laureen to let her know about the contractions, and we expected the labor next day. but the pains developed so quick that I had to get my midwives sooner. I was not even able to get to the place where I prepared for the birthing which was even just a couple of minutes away by driving, I had to stay home. Tony showed up before my midwives, the father of the child was out of town for his business trip and supposed to come back next day. Tony has a son but it was too long ago for him to recall what need to be done for the mother in contractions ... he helped rubbing my back until my midwives showed up.
the pain was much much greater than I expected and imagined. of course those mothers and midwives around me had warned me about the huge pains I would have to go through but I underestimated, I mean, I had no experience anyway. any stiffness and soreness I physically already had in my body turned into the huge pains, in where my shoulders and lower back I always had problems with. I just had to learn through the pains how important for the pregnant body to have been prepared in many aspects before the birth, what a hard work birthing is.
I was in a big confusion not knowing how to handle the pains, just screaming as the pain came. my midwives were instructing me how to breathe and to lower my voice, the screams. I just followed them still in the confusion, ... I must say, I tried to follow but took me a while to follow them. but soon I began to understand how the lowering the voice helps grounding and focusing on laboring. (kind of like OM sound) as I began to understand a little bit about the process through their instruction, I also began to ground and that also began to re-connect me with the child in my tummy, ... this child chose me, I must trust him ...... while I followed my midwives' guidance, I also paid attention to the child. I began to understand the meaning of the pains. the pain is the communication with the child ... that when to push and when to rest. I pushed when the pain came and rested as the pain was gone. my midwives told me later how peaceful the labor was ... despite the fact of my screaming in the beginning ... :)
my midwives sometimes took distance from me when they needed to talk and discuss about something. their voices were as if angels were whispering. they never disturbed my space, never demanded, never raised their voice ... very respectful and peaceful. they were just there to support and assist me for the birth as a guidance ... through their very gentle tone of voice.
... I saw Tony in distance praying. he told me later that he was very concerned and asking the angels to help me and the baby through the labor. he was seeing the vortex like energy swirling around the whole event, and the angels came out from the vortex and answered to Tony that the midwives knew what they were doing so do not worry. almost at the end of the labor, I saw a dolphin right in front of me, just a silhouette of a dolphin yet very clear came out and stayed for maybe 15 seconds or so and faded away ... soon a beautiful baby boy came out as my midwives and the boy assisted me. as I held the boy right in my arms, the boy was just looking into my eyes, telling me "telepathically" that he came from far far away through a galaxy and it was a long trip (which the baby's father also heard later.) ..., however, my midwives called it as a four hour labor as the water didn't break right away as the contraction began. my midwives and my son did a wonderful job within a great team work where I experienced the most beautiful experience in my life.
I was not told the sex of the child when I checked my prenatal condition with an Obstetrician at the first place although he could. ... I didn't need, I just somehow knew it would be a boy from the beginning of my pregnancy all along so I already was choosing a name for a boy. and in fact, through the pregnancy until the birth, ... the be-Earth ... it really took me to the journey of how a universe was born through chaos and order. ... I named my son a universe, the cosmos.
The universe is the combination of a thousand elements, and yet the expression of a single spirit
a chaos to the sense, a cosmos to the reason.
-- H. P. Blavatsky, Isis Unveiled, 1:xvi --
I would like to thank very much
to those who were there for the time of my prenatal through after giving birth,
Laureen, Laura, Tony, the Lehrburger,
Kai'om, Fama, Tom, Monte, Seamana,
Masami, Kazoo, Aya, Scott and Tsugie.
now I feel that many of us got the wrong idea about the birth. why does a mother have this 9 months long period to carry ... just because of the biological development of the baby ? ... I think that is also because the mother to connect & to build the trust with the baby/s through the time ... instead of listening to a doctor/s & practitioners. birth is the first challenge in her/his life for the child, but we tend to rely on other people's opinions (doctors, family & friends & all) ... or even some medical treatment. many of us were born by having been taken away the first challenge "the birth" in our lives. and from there, we are to take vaccines & pharmaceutic medicines through our lives ... where we never learn or discover to trust our own intelligence & wisdom within ... through where our true chi/ki/prana "the antenna to the source" has been ripped away from us ... and where, from the birth, we are led to fear & worry instead of to trust ... many of us are lost & sick just because of that ...
my son came out @ home although I was preparing the beautiful place for water birth outside for him ... but his choice to be born at home really taught me the principle of natural birth, very basic of birth what birth really is ... as he who had taught me to trust him ... and to share this story in public so that many children in future will be trusted their pure power within by their mothers from the beginning of their birth.
many of us dismiss our birthdays ... but as I gave him birth, and as I experienced the beautiful birthing process of his ... now I see birthday as the most sacred day for each one of us no matter what. ... and we go through pains sometimes or many times through our lives ... but the chaos within the pain is the germination of the creation & liberation to birth the new world within ... if we understand the process of birth & growth, we expand beautifully, ... expansion is our nature ... and that is the nature of the universe, ... and thus we are the universe ...
birthday ... be Earth day ... the day we physically landed on Earth ... hope we can all cerebrate the day with great appreciation to be on this sensual beautiful graceful planet Earth, ... and just imagine, ... everyday so many people on this planet are cerebrating their be Earth days with joy & appreciation, ... much better than circulating the fear, anger & worry in our world, ... you know :)
I have no personal connection with the references below