~~The Gift of Cancer~~

[AkashicWreckage]

I have had a lifetime of blessings.
At one time, in the fear of uncertainty, I would have said that dealing with cancer was a fall from, perhaps, grace, or a fall from complacency.
Later I began to realize that it was a fall from unconsciousness.
I felt quite distant from God or Spirit. I knew I was fortunate to have family and my children around me.
I just didn't want to bug God/Spirit with my petty whining and complaints.

I was diagnosed with cancer midway through my boys first year of middle school.
It wasn't the experience I would have deliberately set out to have my boys participate in---I would have preferred to have spared them.
There were, and have been times however, that it was an experience that we know we were all supposed to have---- together.

I had several months between the diagnosis and when the chemo began.
Fortunately, I developed a post op staph infection, which put me into the hospital for 6 days.
It took until 2 days after I got out of the hospital, for the doctors to figure out that it was staph.
While I was in the hospital, the entire time, I felt fine---no pain, totally alert---- just a very low grade temperature.
I did have time to think, time to watch the medical idiocy that was going on around me, and I had time to reflect on that reality.
I was hospitalized in a small Cleveland Clinic hospital in Ft. Lauderdale, since closed.
I had the time to think about why I was there, stuck in the hospital, with my family needing me at home.

When I got out of the hospital, I realized that I didn't want to have to be hospitalized again.
I didn't want to be that far from my family and I knew that despite the cancer---they needed me there with them.
My goal became to figure out a way to prevent that from happening during the course of my treatment.

I wanted things to be as normal as possible for my boys.

That ended up meaning that I would be changing oncologists, before the chemo was to begin, and that was in a way, almost miraculous.
The appointment for my first treatment had been set, and then two days before that appointment, I received a call that the oncologist was going away for the weekend.
The appointment was to be re-scheduled...
THAT blew me away, I was mentally prepared to begin, had made all the arrangements for getting my boys to and from school and on and on.

I refused to set another appointment with that oncologist and began to call around to other oncologists, only to be told that there were no appointments available for almost 3 weeks, they were booked solid. One oncologist's name kept coming back to me, so I called again and asked if I could be seen if someone canceled an appointment.
I was told that NEVER happened-----
I asked the nurse to humor me and take my name and number---I told her that I lived 5 minutes away and could be there with little notice. She finally agreed.
The next day, my phone rang and it was her, she told me that there HAD been a cancellation and she laughed and told me that someone was looking out for me!

I met with an oncologist who understood what I wanted, and that was to just be able to make it through without having to be away from my family.
I was able to choose from the chemicals, and he fought the insurance company so that I could have shots to boost my white blood count, thus increasing my chances of enjoying a relatively smooth process through the course of treatment.
He was a comfortable person to be with, the oncologist, he understood my fears and he partnered with me, to alleviate those fears.

A few days before my first treatment, on Memorial Day, I shaved my head.
The last thing I wanted was to end up with clumps of my hair all over the house, maybe making its way onto the clothing of my boys.
Eeeew! We couldn't have that!
I also didn't want to have to witness it falling out, good lord, I don't know how others go through that.
I also knew that it was a way for ME to control part of this cancer stuff.
So, first I cut my hair, which was short anyway, and then took out the clippers.
Wouldn't you know, my hair was still too long and got caught up in the clipper!
So, I cut more of my hair off, and did I look frightful, LOL!
Finally, I took the clippers to my head and was able to cut the hair to within about a quarter of an inch.
What a sight I was! But we laughed and laughed....

Then, one of my sons walked up to me and said that he was next, he wanted his head shaved.
I looked into his incredible blue eyes and knew that it would be impossible to talk him out of it.
His hair is the kind I had died for my whole life----these incredible curls that naturally just fell into place.
His hair wasn't too long, and in a short period of time, his head was covered with about a quarter of an inch of hair as well.
My former husband wanted his hair shaved off and his hair was very short as well, and he'd been dying to try that shaved head thing, so we did his hair too.

Next, was my other son----- and well----- my mind had already been working on that----I didn't want him to feel that he HAD to shave his head.
He had this gorgeous kind of platinum streaked with darker blondish light brown hair, the kind of color that could never come from a bottle.
I saw him sitting there, taking all of this in, and I could almost read his mind. I knew he didn't want to do it, but that he wanted to do something.

So, I walked over to him, while the others were cleaning up the hair that was on the floor.
I sat down and told him that I wanted to look at someone with hair and did he mind NOT shaving his head?
The relief that covered his face, told the story!

Fast forward to a day or two before the 2nd chemo treatment, 3 weeks after the first treatment, I woke up feeling as if someone were sticking thousands of little pins in my scalp!
I didn't know what it was at first, but about an hour later, I realized that it was the stubble of my hair that had been shaving and it was like my scalp wanted it gone!
It was probably one of the most uncomfortable feelings, my scalp just hurt and nothing I did relieved it.
So, I began to try to pull out the stubble. And it hurt like hell.

My son, the one with the full head of hair remaining, happened to come into my bedroom and saw me trying to pull out the stubs and quickly left.
I thought that perhaps it was just something he couldn't bear to witness, and that was okay.
What happened next, totally amazed me.
He and his brother came into the bedroom, and told me that they would take care of it for me!
They had me lay down and the two of them began to gently remove the stubble.
I think they enjoyed it!
In fact, I KNOW they enjoyed it!
I couldn't believe it!
It was like those monkeys you see on the documentaries----when they are grooming each other.
A mother monkey is usually grooming her children, pulling bits of whatever out of their hair.
'Cept this time, it was MY sons, pulling their mom's stubble out of her scalp!

It took them about a half hour, and we all laughed and talked while they performed this incredibly caring service for their mom.
When they were done, the relief, the absence of that feeling of pins in my scalp stopped---and more so---the feeling of love that we all shared, filled the room.

My son, the one with full head of hair, asked me if I would like a scalp massage, and that became one of his gifts to me.
Every so often, maybe 2 - 3 times per day throughout the course of the remaining 15 weeks of treatments, I'd hear him slap his hands together and he would then give me the most delicious scalp massages!

So, while my first desires were to shield my boys from the realities of dealing with a mother who had cancer, what became quite clear to me over the weeks and months of treatment----is that they were my partners.
You know, when I was pregnant with them, I had a certain feeling that they were special.
The circumstances that were necessary for each of them to be created, was miraculous indeed.
Their survival, in utero, through 2 surgeries for me to even continue to hold the pregnancy---was remarkable...
I've known they are the souls that I was to participate in bringing to life.

What I've come to know, with a sureness that defies words, is that we were all supposed to experience this cancer---
It provided an avenue for us all to awaken and become conscious, to participate, to engage with each other in ways that continue our growth.

And my son, the one who had that full head of gorgeous hair throughout the cancer treatments, now keeps his head shaved!
I still see that 6th grader when I look at him, despite the ever maturing young man he is becoming---
And, when I quiet my mind, and remove the distractions of every day life, I realize the gifts that have come to us all, from the experience of cancer.

I suppose now, that it was something that was in a way chosen----chosen for gifts of consciousness that it would bring, and chosen for the gifts of love that would be revealed.

[LLOYD]

'Very moved by your feelings,..& happy that my photos, & music ,can lift you .

'Warm wishes to you, & yours ,......Lloyd *

[Joy Hart]

You are so blest and you know it! Congrats! Keep shining!
Joy

[Ron Alexander]

Beautiful story, thanks for sharing!