Images and Deeper Desires

[Candice Wilmore]

I thought I'd post another essay I wrote awhile back about my life and history. My mother turns 90 on April 3. We don't get along at all. It's been a long road but her negativity never changes, by her choice, so I go on along my merry way and feel it's her loss not to realize what a cool daughter she has and how much she's missing by not wanting to hang out with me! So, here is a bit of who this particular crone is and how she ended up where she is now. (talking now about myself here :)
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I remember being about 12 years old sitting in church, looking at the statues, listening to the choir and feeling that life must be about something really, really important...that there must be something incredible I was supposed to know, to feel. I assumed it must have been related to God, love, truth...the usual suspects!

I also remember feeling afraid, because I didn’t see those amazing ideals and concepts manifesting around me. I had a sense that no one was going to be able to help me. I would ask and the answers would be "just believe" or "it’s a mystery."

Worst of all: "After you die."

YIKES, you’re kidding? What a bummer for a little kid!

Don't mistake my point. I'm not anti-religion. That has it's place and for some, it's a meaningful and personal choice. What I'm addressing here has no comparison to what religion teaches or offers. It's apples and oranges. Religion and faith simply didn't satisfy the deepest needs I felt inside. My memories of images like the one above are fond ones. That was something very inspiring when I was young. Some of the finest people I know practice a religion and since that never promised me a heaven on Earth, no harm, no foul.

What I've found, though, is that what was longed for all those years ago is indeed possible; that I wasn't just some nutty kid with larger than life fantasies, looking for something that didn't exist for me in this lifetime. I have been fortunate to find something that allows me to feel that heaven, not after, but while I'm alive; while I can be sure; while I can enjoy.

I'm glad I never gave up looking and asking, because now I can swim in an ocean of answers. Now I can feel something, a practical experience, and because of that, the longing of that little girl, that longing that never went away, is now completely satisfied.

[Jeanne]

"I never gave up looking and asking, because now I can swim in an ocean of answers." ...in the now, in the moment. What a journey, to bring you to being here now... a place that honors the little girl who already knew, but did not know that she knew. How wonderful that you arrived at the ocean. Metta, Jeanne

[Jackie]

Hi Jeanne I am very new at all this and I just loved what you were talking about your mother, etc., I too seemed like I really never belonged and was always trying to fit in, even tho my mother was kind in her way and gave me a lot of things, something was missing, now I know it was true love, no blame today for I truly understand and am a grandmother myself, I did find love from my grandmother and grandfather for a period of time.
Growing up I was always a searcher, and continue to this day in some ways. There isn't much I haven't tried, the various theologies, religions, history which was my favorite for it gives a searcher a time and place to belong even if it is a fantasy, always a learner and could not seem to get enough, but kept on persuing my dreams.
Raising children was one learning tool that actually kept me grounded in some ways and there were many learning tools I surrendered too. Making friends was in some ways not hard to do, but making true friends was very hard and still is in a lot of ways.
Thru my learnings and teachings have actually found a peace within that is beyond my wildest dream, have no idea how I got here, but surely am blessed beyond measure and definitely deep within the light. the secret is trusting my higher power and letting go of all my old ideas and just to be, to be the person I am.
It is beautiful and the peace is warm and secure (when I let it) to know I am who I am and that is all I need to know, to share my experiences, strengths and hopes with others. Thanks for being here. Jackie

[AkashicWreckage]

Candice wrote: "I thought I'd post another essay I wrote awhile back about my life and history. My mother turns 90 on April 3. We don't get along at all. It's been a long road but her negativity never changes, by her choice, so I go on along my merry way and feel it's her loss not to realize what a cool daughter she has and how much she's missing by not wanting to hang out with me! So, here is a bit of who this particular crone is and how she ended up where she is now. (talking now about myself here :)"

I really resonated with what you wrote above, Candice...although my mom is going to be 83 in June---and I've worked on past the issues I've had with her. There are things I'll still never really be able to ask my mom, or share with her. She's good, okay---alert and yet there's something slipping away. I can't say that she was negative---but there were more times than I care to remember, that she was disconnected from her children. She had headaches, and was in bed a LOT from about the time that I was around 12 till I was well into my 20's.
She's a Cancer and I'm a Libra---weird mixture of personalities...

What sign are you?
_____
You said: "Don't mistake my point. I'm not anti-religion. That has it's place and for some, it's a meaningful and personal choice. What I'm addressing here has no comparison to what religion teaches or offers. It's apples and oranges. Religion and faith simply didn't satisfy the deepest needs I felt inside. My memories of images like the one above are fond ones. That was something very inspiring when I was young. Some of the finest people I know practice a religion and since that never promised me a heaven on Earth, no harm, no foul.

What I've found, though, is that what was longed for all those years ago is indeed possible; that I wasn't just some nutty kid with larger than life fantasies, looking for something that didn't exist for me in this lifetime. I have been fortunate to find something that allows me to feel that heaven, not after, but while I'm alive; while I can be sure; while I can enjoy.


I had to chuckle reading what you wrote just before what I've quoted above---the statues, the stained glass, the smell of the incense...and I recall kneeling in church and just NOT getting it! Did the Catholic school schtick for 8 years---

I found something back when I began searching, around 18 or 19, and I knew it was good and real, and yet I was afraid for how it would look to others, New Thought, Healing, or other New Age stuff was really laughed at, or worse, not accepted at all. It's taken me almost a lifetime to thrive in what I can feel and experience...

BTW, welcome! :)

[Jeanne]

Thank-you Jackie for sharing a slice of your life with us. It is appreciated more than you may realize. Like the flutter of a butterfly wing in Kansas is a hurricane in China, Crone to the bone has already nourished and nurtured my spirit with the courage and compassion of the members willingness to share stories of their journey.

I love Gandhi's quote: "Whatever you do will be insignificant, but it is very important that you do it." We do gain much when we support one another in the little things.
As I've been reading the various posts on CTTB, I see similarities and patterns...

I too seemed like I really never belonged and was always trying to fit in,
This need to belong is something we hear from so many in our system... especially from those of us who simply could not accept at face value the push to conform to something that did not resonate with our deeper self.

Growing up I was always a searcher, and continue to this day in some ways. ...a place to belong even if it is a fantasy,
Candice also used the word, fantasy, to describe something she had inwardly sensed while young, but had not yet revealed its truth to her. I love it... because I was accused of not knowing what was 'real' and imagined when I had experiences that were outside the normal range of acceptance. Once I realized that doubt was being cast on my mental stability... I stopped talking about it and kept my search for truth close to my heart.

making true friends was very hard and still is in a lot of ways.
It does seem an amazing accident to find others who are "one of your people." A couple decades ago when I decided to stop running away from that which was painful, including relationships - I decided to allow that which was no longer good or beneficial to me, to fall away without my interference. Since then, my relationships have changed and the void left by those that fell away has been replaced with people so amazing I would never have imagined so well.

I have no idea how I got here, but surely am blessed beyond measure and definitely deep within the light. the secret is trusting my higher power and letting go of all my old ideas and just to be, to be the person I am.

Funny isn't it... how many million frustrations and fantasies, how many millions of insignificances have conspired to form us into who we've become. And perhaps most importantly into our own best friend.

[SPIRITVIEW]

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