Shiftin' consciousness an' stuff like that

[Tamara Knight]

My friend Cheryl says we’re in the midst of a great shift in consciousness. I said "Honey, I been tryin to shift my consciousness for years an it aint budgin". Apparently it’s all got somethin to do with 2012. What the hells that all about?? Cheryl said we’re gonna ascend. I said "Honey, I live in a trailer park! What the hell do I need an elevator for?" Cheryl’s a good kid but she don’t think things through. Know waddimean?

This is the way I see it: If somethin’s gonna happen in 2012 only nobody knows what it is… well, we might as well jus’ carry on as if nothin’s gonna happen, right? I mean, if the world’s gonna end, waddaya gonna do? Wear a crash helmet? Hide in the cellar?

If we’re gonna ascend, well, jus’ how we gonna do that exactly? Anybody know? Is this somethin’ spiritual or are we gonna get sucked up some cosmic vacuum hose? Only I wanna know ‘cos I jus’ aint good with heights. I’m OK with cramped spaces but heights make me all… anyway, I’m getting off subject here.

If we’re talking ‘bout something spiritual, well, what’s altitude got to do with it? Why does everybody assume we’re goin up insead o’ sideways? I mean, spiritual’s spiritual, right. Don’t make no diff’rence if we go up, down, sideways or diagonal. Know waddimean?

Who came up with this 2012 thing anyhow? I heard it was some broad called Maya. Anybody know where she hangs out? Only I wanna word with her. I don’ think she’s givin us all the facts. Lotta details left out. Know waddimean?

How’d everybody get to know about all this stuff, anyway? I watch the news an I aint heard nothin. Cheryl says it’s to do with crop circles. She says they’re made by aliens from the fifth dimension an they’re messages telling us we’re all gonna ascend in 2012. Well, I seen these crop circles and I aint seen nothin that says that.

I mean, if these aliens are so smart, why don’ they leave messages we can all understand, right? I mean, I aint smart (though you prob’ly figured that out already) but, if I wanted to leave a message like that, I’d jus’ write in big capitals: “FOUR MORE YEARS THEN WE’RE OUTA HERE! DON’T FORGET TO CANCEL THE MILK!” Nobody would be any doubt ‘bout that, would they?

Now, I aint sayin it aint aliens. I don’ know. But it could just be people with an eye for exterior design. I mean, let’s face it, I wouldn’t mind wunna them on my lawn… if I had a lawn, that is. It could be jus’ art. I guess it could be aliens an they’re writin in alien language but I aint so sure. Cheryl says I’m closed minded.

As soon as I get hold o’ this Maya gal, I’m gonna ask her what the hell she thinks she’s playin at, getting folks all fired up like this. I mean, jus’ supposing… now I don’ wanna bust nobody’s balloon but jus’ supposing 2012 comes an goes an nothin happens? This Maya gal’s gonna get her ass sued off.

We’re all gonna look like real jerks. Know waddimean? We’re all gonna be stood there with crash helmets an padded out with pillows jus’ lookin’ ‘round an the birds are singin like nothin was gonna happen anyway. Guys in the White House gonna crawl out from under their desks. G.Is in Iraq gonna look up over their sandbags at the Iraqis lookin over their sandbags an’ we’re all gonna feel real stupid.

Then we’ll realise how silly it all is an we’re gonna laugh like we never laughed before. Maybe then, somebody gonna look around at everybody laughin an say “Hey! I wonder if this is ascension?”

[Jeanne]

Truly... I know whatchamean. Although I don't if folks from other parts of the world can... ya know... the ones who speak proper kings english. Anyhoo... this is Amerika... and you are one funny lady. Thanks for putting a smile on my face.

And as far as Maya and her calendar... I got lotsa calendars that have run out... and I'm still here.

[Tamara Knight]

Jeanne said:

And as far as Maya and her calendar... I got lotsa calendars that have run out... and I'm still here.

Tell me 'bout it, honey! I worn out more calendars 'n I care to admit to. I guess there's gonna be a calendar with a December I won't see. I jus' hope that aint gonna be anytime soon... 2012 or no 2012. Know waddimean?

[Ron Tocknell]

Tamara, it's going to be fun having you around. I thoroughly enjoyed this! Your description of the 2012 anticlimax had me in fits.
Looking forward to the next gem.

BTW If a country yokel from Gloucestershire, UK can understand you, probably anyone can

[Tamara Knight]

Ron Tocknell said:

BTW If a country yokel from Gloucestershire, UK can understand you, probably anyone can

Yokel?? What the hell's a yokel?? Is that a job or what?
Honey, ya gotta tell me. What in the world does a yokel do? Long as it don' involve breakin' my nails, I wanna apply jus' to have that on my passport!

[Ron Tocknell]

Well, no. It's not a job. It's just what we call country folk in the UK. You know, as in 'Okie from Muskokie'.

I think the word "yokel" means a lowly peasant, meaning someone who carries a yoke (which you may have in the US but, in case you don't, a yoke is a wooden structure carried across the shoulders that two buckets can be suspended from).

I've never actually carried a yoke in my life but, being from the West Country, we tend to be referred to as "yokels".

[Tamara Knight]

Uh huh. Y'know, Ron... I really wish ya hadn't told me. I was startin' to think maybe it was a title... y'know, like Lord High Yokel o' the Court o' King... I dunno... what's the King o' England's name? Is it Gordon or somethin'?

For a moment there I was all caught up in the romance. I was gonna tellya I'm yours, honey!

But i don' know.... this lowly peasant thing...

Mind if we jus' stick to bein' friends?

No hard feelins?

[Ron Tocknell]

LOL No hard feelings, Tamara. It probably wouldn't have worked anyway.

BTW The King of England's name is Nigel.

Trust me on that.

[Melanie Worman]

Tamara Honey, your friend Cheryl is a gal right up my street but I think she's banging her head against a brick wall. I've been trying to do something similar with RON TOCKNELL but I don't think I'm getting anywhere. I think you and Ron should elope, you'd keep each other amused for years.

By the way, Ron's got it wrong again. It's Queen Nigel now - he's always getting his genders mixed up.

[Jeanne]

Y'all are confusin' the holy heck outta me... I did not know there was a king of England. In fact, jus' the udder day whilst talkin' with the hubby, he being from New Zealand - part of the British commonwealth, I asked why Prince Phillip, husband of the queen... is not a king. Yet, when a king marries, his wife is queen.

I dunno... english culture is kinda like the english language... confusin'.

[Tamara Knight]

Melanie Worman said:

By the way, Ron's got it wrong again. It's Queen Nigel now - he's always getting his genders mixed up.

Ya got that right, honey! I checked Jeanne's profile an' took a look at 'Crone to the Bone'. Crones?? Not a hooked nose or warty chin between y'all! Though I did notice that a coupla members sure got a serious facial hair problem... then I recognized one of 'em....

I didn't wanna bring it up but since you mentioned it....

Honey, if I'm gonna elope with anybody, it sure as hell aint gonna be a Yokel Crone!

No offense, Ron. Yo' sure seem like a sweet guy but I think ya got issues.

[Jeanne]

Who is Nigel?

[Ron Tocknell]

Jeanne said:

Who is Nigel?

Nigel is the King of England. Don't pay any attention to Mel. She's messing with your head.

King Nigel I Married Queen Elizabeth II after her messy divorce with Prince Phillip over his philandering, gambling and penchant for cross-dressing (believe me, Royal cross-dressers can be quite disturbing... puts Elton John into the shade).

Nigel was Her Majesty's Royal Toy Boy for some years until the divorce. He only agreed to marry her on condition that he could be King, not some whimpy Prince.

Now you know I wouldn't lie to you Jeanne, so don't let anyone tell you different :o)